Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.