You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Just had my nails done!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”