I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Imma just leave this here…………
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
me 2 months after i graduated
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
motivation
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”