Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.