[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life