Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Alexa, make me look good naked.