Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
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Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
got so much cardio in today
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
bro what is going on at twitter
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.