Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.