[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
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the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
True statement👍😏😁