[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
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5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.