Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
shampoo implies shampee
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces