[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean