[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.