Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.