Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
You Might Also Like
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.