If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Mood.. 😂
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.