[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening