When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
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The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
That took me a moment.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!