“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Pretty much. 🤣
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.