I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN