I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do