I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
This is I, Robot all over again
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.