I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
You Might Also Like
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If I ignore life will it go away?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣