Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
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white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.