Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
True?
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.