I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.