My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
opening twitter today
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner