In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Important
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.