[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.