I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Don’t tell me what to do
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.