interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.