son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I falcon love using swear birds
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad