me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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RT if you know someone like this!!!
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.