If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“I wouldn’t.”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?