People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: