Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.