One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
They’re the worst 😩
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Happy Taco Tuesday
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket