[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.