I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?