Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit