Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
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Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Anyone want a chair?
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Pretty much. 🤣