Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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guilty
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’