Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.