and now we wait
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Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
this has done me in for some reason
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.