I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
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DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again