me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
You Might Also Like
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?