I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Sometimes? I’m slipping
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I think this should do it.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
motivation
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?