The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
🙂🐾
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”