“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
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Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked