I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels